I thought that might get your attention!
But, it’s not what you are thinking. What I had was a vulnerability hangover.
Let me explain.
On Sunday, I had the opportunity to speak at my church. It was a message of encouragement but within the message I told the entire congregation about the fact that my depression had gotten so bad last year that I decided to treat it with medication. It was pertinent to the conversation because I was talking about shame – something I felt a great deal of and had to fight off. I felt good about sharing because even though I knew it would be uncomfortable, I believed it would help someone.
It went well and many people thanked me for my transparency. On Sunday night, I felt like I had accomplished what I set out to do.
Then Monday came.
I woke up and thought, “I can’t believe I shared such personal details with 3 services worth of people not to mention those who may watch the video.” I was experiencing a vulnerability hangover. I didn’t make that up. It is a term coined by Brené Brown, researcher of such topics as courage, vulnerability, authenticity, empathy and shame. Brené explains that a vulnerability hangover is “the feeling that sweeps over us after we feel the need to connect… and we share something deeply meaningful. Minutes, hours, or days later, we begin to feel regret sweep over us like a warm wave of nausea.”
I’m happy to say that because I have been sharing bits and pieces of my story for a while now, my hangover was not too bad. I was able to shake it off pretty quickly having learned these 3 things.
#1 It’s worth it.
The discomfort of vulnerability is worth it when you weigh it against the value of connection. Connection, true connection is what people who are in need are looking for. It doesn’t help them to see someone who acts like they have it all together all the time – it only adds to their shame and impedes their ability to open up and share themselves. When true connection is made, we share. When we share we heal.
#2 It’s not the critic who counts. (thank you, Theodore Roosevelt!)
At the heart of the vulnerability hangover is the fear of being judged. Since depression is classified as a mental illness I battle the fear of being defined by my struggle. There are people who will disagree with how I choose to handle and overcome depression but in the end it is not those people who I necessarily feel drawn to connect with. I have come to terms with the reality that there will be those who may not understand or have a different opinion than I do. I have resolved that I answer only to the One who has called me to share my story in order to help others.
#3 It’s not about me.
We live in a me-driven world. As a Christian and follower of Jesus, I want to live as He lived. He lived His life entirely for others. Notice I said I WANT to live as He lived. That doesn’t mean I always do, by any means. But when I am feeling exposed and vulnerable I remember that in order to live the way I claim to want to live, it requires dying to myself and living for a greater cause. Ironically, it ends up being the best thing for ME. It is where I derive true joy and peace – so in the end it sort of is about me. But that’s how God works. The more we pour ourselves out on behalf of others the more he pours joy and peace into us. It’s a pretty good deal.
Final thought on vulnerability, again from Brené Brown. (can you tell I love her and her work?)
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.
Amen.
Have you ever experienced a vulnerability hangover after taking a courageous step to share a part of yourself? I’d love to hear about it ~ please leave a comment!
November 14, 2013 at 1:09 pm
Thank you Tracey for willingness to share your thoughts and having the courage to follow through. Yes I have had that feeling many times after telling people personal things about myself but at the same time it is a comfort to know I may help someone else. As you stated it not about us but him. I admire you and praise you for allowing your light to shine.
November 14, 2013 at 3:43 pm
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this! There have been times I’ve written a post on my blog that I shared on facebook and the second I share it all I want to do is log back in and delete it before anyone can read it in fear of being judged in some way or another.
God’s been putting it on my heart to write about a few things that are particularly hard for me and I know would be helpful to others but it’s the last thing I want to do because I know it will mean being vulnerable and real and that’s such a hard thing to do in a world where people wear these masks that hide their insecurities and issues.
I have learned though (like you said) that when you are brave enough to be vulnerable people connect with you in ways you can’t imagine. Once you open up and share a piece of your heart it opens the door for them to do the same. It’s really a beautiful thing. And I’m hoping that knowing how great that feeling of connecting with others through struggles in life will override my feelings of fear to open up.
You surely have paved the way for many to do the same. Be blessed!
November 14, 2013 at 4:55 pm
Anna,
I still feel twinges of that same regret after I post things like this. Sometimes I have to talk myself into clicking the “publish” icon. But I will tell you, it gets easier.
When I get an encouraging comment like this I realize just how contagious bravery is and it pushes me forward – so thank YOU.
Keep at it girl… I’m sure there are those who need to hear your heart!
November 16, 2013 at 9:41 pm
I loved your story! I did not see you in person, but watched the video. I love it when I hear the raw feelings of someone and their walk with God. I often have recieved mixed reactions since Paige passed on my thoughts from others (believers and non-believiers). That is what inspired my blog, God wants me to share my story and so my first mini series is about surrendering and what is has done in my life. I have noticed that more non-believers are more receptive to my thoughts and feelings. I have also had believers confess to me that they have also had thoughts of anger, etc but were too scared to admit it. So my next mini series is going to be “God didn’t sugar coat my walk with him, so I am not going to sugar coat my struggles”. Something along those lines. I love how you don’t sugar coat your struggles either. I have decided to go talk to a counselor for my grief and am making it public to try and encourage others to take the step to reach out of they need too. To help them realize that it is ok and not worry about what others think. I was going to ask if I could post your video on Paige’s page for her followers to watch. Thank you Tracey for being exactly who you are!
November 17, 2013 at 12:10 am
Alyssa,
I am so glad that you enjoyed the video and yes, feel free to post wherever you like. I am so glad that you are being brave with your story…remember courage is courageous so you will surely inspire someone else to share theirs. Love ya girl…
Tracey